28 August, 2010

Honesty in the Hardest Thing...

"Trying to be perfect. Trying not to let you down. Honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now. While the floors underneath our feet are crumbling, the walls we built together are tumbling. I still stand here holding up the roof, cause it's easier than telling the truth... Stop ignoring that our hearts are mourning and let the rain come in. Stop pretending that it's not ending and let the end begin..." (Chris Allen - The Truth) 

I am going to Denver tomorrow to stay with some friends. It will be a good break - good to eat dinner with them and chat for a bit. They have to go to work on Monday, so I will probably find somewhere quiet in Denver and try to think for a day. It's not the break I had planned - but it's what is needed. 

The last two months have kicked my butt. To be honest, hardly a day goes by when I don't cry. I think there is very little in my life that I can trust or rest on. I don't get a lot and tend to have a lot more questions than answers. I don't get it. And I think more than the chaos that is everything - the pain, disappointment, questions, loss - more than that, what hurts is the silence of God. I would take His rebuke right now, but instead all I get are silence. I know all the cliches about these are the times He is closest - but I don't feel it. 

I go through the motions and grasp at the little I have left. It's tiring, I'm tired. I hurt, and there doesn't seem to be a relationship in my life that isn't on the fringe or verge of chaos or collapse.

Chaos - it's an interesting word. Apt and yet totally insufficient to  even begin to summarize where I am. I don't know where I am - I am lost. And maybe that is the better word - LOST. 

So, as I often do when life is overwhelming, I turn to music. This is the song that is top of my speakers, being screamed in my car, on repeat on my iPod and while it is not perfect to what is going on - it is close... 

And the line that really hits home - honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now. 

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© Amanda Lunday