23 June, 2010


I am leaving tomorrow for a four day retreat from the world. No laptop. No cell phone. No contact with the rest of the world. Just me, my Bible, my journal and a few well chosen books.

I go to be real with myself and, hopefully, to find God again.

I have not done a quiet time in months, I can’t remember the last time I prayed for myself, I don’t remember what His quiet voice sounds like.

I am going to ask you to please pray for me.

This is a hard post to write. This is not something I post to garner sympathy, or to mimic humility, or to make you worry.

I post it because I feel very isolated in CO. It is a barren desert here, it is a land void of what I loved in DC, of what drives me. It is a land far from what my heart longs for. I don’t look back to Egypt, I don’t long for captivity. I realized in Rwanda that a lot of what I do, in thought, word, deed, life, is for other people. I am who I think you want me to be.

A couple weeks ago I went to Duke for a conference on Reconciliation. It was the first time I had felt God maybe since coming home. I sat in the chapel and looked out the windows and felt God saying, “I’ve made you for more My beloved.”

And He did. I know that. He has made many of us for more than the mediocre lives we lead. He wants us to break us from the lies we let entangle us, the crumbs we settle for, the ‘just get through to tomorrow’ that robs us of what He has.

I don’t know what I expect in these for days. I know it won’t be a cure all. I know, that I will go and come back and be forced to face a lot of things. I guess, maybe, I am going to try and rediscover what drew me to God. I am going to find Him, to remember what happened in Rwanda, to settle down and take the fragmented pieces of my life back to God and say, “Now what...”

Lament. Pilgrimage. Honesty.

I was broken in Rwanda and instead of facing that then, I came home and buried my head in the sand. I turned to anything else but God because the process of refinement is too hard, it takes too much, I am too tired and broken… I can’t do it.

Right, I can’t – but He can.

I am a strong person. I am strong and stubborn, I need to be right, I need to be seen as okay, I need to handle things. It’s pride – I am prideful and need to let God be God and submit to Him.

Please pray for my ability to stop – stop lying, stop trying to be in control, stop making faith an intellectual, theoretical exercise, stop denying what is really going on.

Pray that I can quiet my mind and find God. Pray that I will stop thinking long enough to hear His voice.

Pray for honesty, honest with myself, with God, with what is going on, with what has happened since Rwanda to put me so far away from Him.

Pray for first steps – first steps on a pilgrimage, on becoming who He made me to be, on knowing myself maybe for the first time, towards healing.

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© Amanda Lunday