23 March, 2009

It's 7pm and we're listening to Alison Krauss

I realize there has been a delay (gap) in posting as of late. Things are, well, odd at the moment and unsure of who is reading this as of late has made me reserved in telling everything that is going on. But I realized last night that I want this to be an honest place and if keeping things off it is keeping me from blogging then I need to get over it and just tell what is going on.

I posted earlier this year about Rwanda, that is on hold. I am still talking to my church about going either for 10 days or three months. Right now my proposal for the three-month time frame is in front of our international groups leadership and I am waiting.

Making Rwanda more complicated is that I have been approached about a position in the DRC (I know!). It would be part-fundraising, part paid for. Ideally, if it would work out, I would go as a missionary for another church and work partially with another organization on the ground. This has many positives including, but not limited to, community, insurance, and an evacuation plan... I am (again) waiting to see where that goes. Negotiations and discussions are proceeding but at this point in time do not include me.

Or Boston. My church is starting a church plant in Boston and part of me would really love to uproot my life (which might be what all this is truly about - the apparent mediocrity and staleness my life in DC has taken) and go. I would love to be taught by the pastor we're sending, and the idea of getting a job in Jamaica Plain at a coffee shop or bookstore and meeting people and building community sounds idyllic and just what I need. Boston is the best of what I love in DC - it's the strength in teaching and Him of my church with the community I am so desperately missing right now. I have been in DC for 2+ years and have a small number of friends and can't seem to connect to new people. I have found my rut in DC and we all know how bad I am at rebelling against the role I see defined for me.

Or staying. I am not opposed to it (totally). I keep telling myself and God that if I stay something has to change. I can't continue alone, on fumes, isolated and overlooked. So whatever changes need to happen I will do them because this is ridiculous.

My friend from Philly was here this weekend. I loved having her here, but it also brought to light how stale I am at doing the going deep thing. I have been self-reliant for so long that when I had someone around who I knew loves me, I still had a hard time opening up and letting her in, even though that is what I am crying out for.

I look at where I am at the moment and it's hard to see a silver-lining. I moved out of my studio when I thought Rwanda was going to happen in February, and by the time I realized it wasn't my studio was gone. I am living with a couple from work, but it's a temporary place, and in May I have to move again. I can't see my life past May 15 and I hate that. As a list maker, a planner, and idea-er I hate that in six weeks my life goes blank.

My life will get a bit less complex (ha!) after this weekend's board meeting, but maybe that's an illusion (more on that later).

10 things I am thankful for:

1) Philly friends
2) Girls from work
3) Springtime in DC (even if just for the day)
4) Rez
5) Pancakes on Saturday morning
6) Kimmy (happy birthday!!!)
7) A.J. (you too!)
8) Family
9) Good books (currently reading: As We Forgive & Journal of Solitude)
10) The possibilities before me.

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