05 January, 2009


Do ever look at where your life is vs. where you thought your life would be and wonder, "How did I get here?"

Sometimes we question our status as a depressing thing. We wake up one day and come to face the undeniable reality that we far from the person we wanted to be. At other times, this realization is quite remarkable. We see ourselves for the first time 1,000 miles from where we thought we'd end up - but it's 1,000 miles in a better direction.

I have been reconnecting with some old friends from my days as the sweet little (punky) cowgirl at the ranch (some things don't change). I lived at the ranch until I was 17. Most of the defining moments of those influential years happened at the ranch. At 16 I would have said I was going to school to get my BA in Business and then my MBA so I could take over the ranch. I would have fallen in love with a cowboy and settled into the life much like the one I was in at that moment.

However, within months my parents and I would be packing up our home, the home I still can walk in my mind. The only home I really remember, the home of Christmas trees and learning to play piano, of creativity and being yelled for stomping on the floor (there was a cabin below us). It was the home that sheltered me in high school and kept me safe, sane and alive.

We packed and moved, and the life that I had foreseen forever before me was barred. It was as if my Eden was being blocked by a sword and I was powerless to get back in.

So I went to college and got connected to international affairs, I fell in love with DC and moved here. And it wasn't until I got connected to some of the people from my past that I began to think about how different my life had become.

I loved living at the ranch. But when I look back it was the people, not the location or the opportunities it afforded (horseback riding, being a cowgirl, etc.) that I liked. I still don't know how college and living at the ranch would have worked. And, do I really want a cowboy, or a boy pretending to be one...

My life in DC is better suited to me than the ranch could have been. But I had to loose it and have it denied to me to realize it. I wonder what other things in life we accept because they're right before us or easily accessable. But if they were suddenly gone...what would our lives look like?

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