21 December, 2008

JJ Heller

it's been a while since I posted. coming back from Cam led to an insane time at work.

Do you ever go through those times when coming home from work, the idea of trying to have a cohesive converstaion or put down a coherient conversation is too much? Well, welcome to my December. At time, I wonder if I ever processed the trip at all. I catch myself talking about it without the slightest hint of hardship or sorrow. Cambodia was a hard country, but I saw joy, and yet, I wonder if I was really there at all...

It's been an off transition back. I asked my co-workers to pray for me to get my head in the came. I spent most of Dec losing things and misplacing files and forgetting projects - three very unlike me things to do. It was frustrating, but I'd go home at night and have enough energy to make dinner and collapse on the couch. Hopefully this fog can lift not that I am home.

I was fortunate enough to discover JJ Heller shortly before I left. She is this amazing Christian artist you have probably never heard of. Her songs are too insightful and real and raw to be played on mainstream radio. She is my artist of 2008. I listen to her songs and weep for the truth found in them. I got her latest album "Painted Red" and have literally spent days at work with it on repete. Please download it.

I was listening to some of her other albums today and came across this song from her "Only Love Remains" album. It's called Love Me. This fall has been hard for me because I have struggled with acceptance. I have struggled with feeling seen, or feeling like I matter, and questioning where I am supposed to go or what I am supposed to do. I have to confess I have faced this struggle mostly alone - because when you doubt your place it's hard to ask for help.

Recently I have been reminded that we are to live in community. At one point I was told to pray for vulnerability. I do come off strong, I know that, but it's hard to break that when I don't feel safe. But how am I ever to feel safe if I don't let you in? And while realizing that we are to live in community, there is the reminder that our identity cannot come from other people. Love Me reminds me of where my identity should come from.


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