02 August, 2008

The Remorse of Loss

For the last few weeks I have been in isolationist mode. It was an almost automatic response to losing five of the people I’m closest to in DC in two weeks. I’ve heard it said that DC is a transient city, and there is turn over, blab blab blab. I guess when it rain it pours with people leaving.

I grew up on a small guest ranch/resort in CO. And essentially said goodbye to everyone I knew every 3-9 months. Looking back I never got to know the guests because they were only there for a week, and I cannot remember very many staff who were only there for a season. I don’t get attached easily, and saying goodbye sucks. At the ranch I used to hide out if someone I really liked I was leaving. I wouldn’t come out of the house or would stay in my dad’s office and watch them drive away… It was an awful way to grow up and instead of making me a very open person who could be nice to everyone and make friends with anyone – it made me closed off and, in some ways, test people to know if they were going to stay.

I was lucky when I moved to DC because I moved into a group of friends. I was loved and covered with friendship for the first year and a half I was here. But now, that group is almost entirely gone, and I am left with very little to hold onto. So, in the midst of the deep loss the last few weeks has brought I have hid out in my apartment, convincing myself that any new friends I did make would just leave too, and it was better this way…

Yeah, I know.

But I am coming out of my solitude; it will just take time for my heart to be okay again…

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© Amanda Lunday