15 August, 2008

Dance with Me to the End of Love

I have more than once been asked more than once why I like this painting. I think it’s the stance of the people, the fact they are not facing us, the subtle tension between them. And then the name of the painting “Dance with Me to the End of Love.” To me this picture is about endurance, closeness, patience, and being there – come whatever does…

I was challenged the other day to “ask for help.” I have been in a reclusive melancholy recently but far from turning inward I feel I have done a lot of the opposite. It is not my personality to call someone and say, “I am having a bad day.” It never will be and I make no apologies for that. But I have talked to people about what’s going on and at the end of the day I just don’t know.

Am I lonely? Yeah. I said goodbye to a number of people who really care about me, and the handful of friends left in DC have apparently disappeared with the summer… So, yeah, things are kind of solitary right now. I had some good friends come see me this summer (which I loved) but it only reminded me of what I have not found in DC.

Am I being reclusive? Sure, but I don’t know how else to be. I feel like I have thrown up the white flag. I admitted my isolation in small group, I have talked about it to almost everyone in my family (and some friends) I have waited for people to notice I’m not there – and very few have. I am a large advocate for you make time for who you want to. And not that I am going to sit back and leave it all to you – but there are only so many times I can call.

And this isn’t to make anyone feel bad. Please hear that. It’s just more that I think I have cried out for help. I would talk if someone would listen – but I’ve felt of second rate importance by too many people and if you know me at all…

Again this isn’t to make anyone feel bad. I’m tired of this too. In the midst of the isolation is the voice inside me that says it doesn't have to be this way. Some of the things going on are human related. I miss people. I am starved for community. But other parts of it have to be fought on my own. You can't go to God for me, you can't plead my case or take my pain. You can't go through this refining process for me (more on that some other time...)

The simple answer is I'm not doing very well, and no I don't want to talk about it because I can't. I have no words, they fail to adequately articulate what's going on. So yeah, I'm going to be reclusive because that's all I know how to be until this battle passes and I can stand again. Perhaps it's both of us. So maybe all I need are some people to hold out faith for me and believe that things will be ok and that I can overcome whatever He has for me and that it won't always be like this...

"When some time has past us, and the story is retold it will mirror the strength and the courage in your soul... I believe that it's going to be alright."

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© Amanda Lunday