20 August, 2008


Thoughts on an Olympic free Wednesday night....

As I sit here and think about everything going on in my heart and head I begin to see how overwhelming it is. And so, as in other moments of uncertainty, I turn to writing. I don't know what this blog is, or why it comforts me to post things here. I don't expect the people reading it to call me with answers - in fact, the last thing I want is a pat answer. I guess this blog serves as my open, unedited (literally on occasion) prayers and struggles as I strive to become someone walking closer to God's heart.

In less than three months I will be in Cambodia.

I am excited to go, I can hardly believe that a) it's real; and b) it's so close. I am getting nervous. There is a lot riding on this trip for me - more than I think I realize. I struggle with being someone who knows a decent amount about trafficking and has a sizable desire to see it ended with getting lost in what is rapidly becoming a trendy issue. Not to get lost on a rabbit trail - so let me just say that Cambodia will determine a lot. I am going to see if I could move to SE Asia, if I could pursue aftercare as a career, if I could live in a culture where trafficking is so in your face, unapologetic and accepted. Can I look at this girls and offer anything? Or will my raw emotions and blunt personality become hindrances?

It's big - thinking about moving 20 hours (by plane!) from my family and friends, to come back and tell my boss I'm leaving, to see what I have been slowing being prepared to encounter since I was fifteen and learned about trafficking from an off-handed remark.

There is a lot going into Cambodia because my mom is going - and I am "on" because I am going as an employee of my job. There is a lot riding on this because of things going on with people close to me, with my walk with God, with my ability to face something I could talk to you about all day.

I am a little nervous!

And then there is the gnawing in my heart that I want to be doing more. I have been deeply driven recently towards community mobilization and grassroots ministry. Let's figure out where you can specifically get plugged into something you can care deeply about and affect the sphere of people in your life. I love talking to people about what makes them tick and helping them find a situation to dedicate their time/energy/passion/heart to. It doesn't have to be trafficking, that is far from the only issue out there, but let's find something.

No matter who you are - you can make a difference so let's figure out how!

So what to do with all this... I am going to let you in on something - I am a planner. I like having a course, a direction. I'm ok if it all changes tomorrow, but let me having something to aim for. And that's hard right now because I see myself moving towards Cambodia & that could change everything or derail it all by going not at all like I expect... I want to be doing grassroots stuff, but my boss has said the one area I can't get into at work is anything that would have me travel. I am watching the office-based mobilization get jostled to other people, yet, I love where I am and if I am in DC I want to work there.

I guess it goes back to what I've said before. I feel like I am standing at the start of something and I can see five/ten years down the road - and it's good, and it's meaningful and it's doing something I would be good at. But then I look beside myself and see the other "minor" (or not) dreams I've had forever and somehow I know if I say, "okay let's do this," and move towards what is laid before me I could lose something precious in the process.

Am I ready to give up being a writer? Seeing the kids in my life grow up? Forfeiting my NGO plans? I know people say you can always stop something you start - but I know if I make the commitment to move forward after Cambodia there is a significant time commitment and I can't just walk away (and knowing my temperament I won't...).

And so that's why I'm freaked out to go. Excited as all get out. Totally and utterly prepared. Yet completely freaked out!

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