16 October, 2007

so this is friendship. so this is love. this is respect, admiration, edification, and grace. this is what it means to live near people, to have, if even for a brief moment, the freedom to be who you are, and have that be okay...

...i'm changing.

i've noticed it in small ways. i've begun to see that there are almost two of me, if that can be. the first is at work - playful, fiesty, opinionated, yet hard working. i laugh, i tease, i am accepted by many, but not known.

the other person is becoming quieter, more reserved, introspective. i am overwhelmed in crowded places or with overly A-type people. i don't need a million friends, or a hundred, or fifty - but a handful who love me, and care enough to take the time to ask how i really am.

is it okay that i am quieter now than i was before? (is that possible) that a group of even 10 or 12 is too much? that i am more comfortable in silence than in basic (small) conversation? that i don't know what to say to you or how to articulate what's going on?

is that okay?

i know i am loved, but i run from it. i know the things i listed above exist, yet they frighten me becuase i've never had them be without condition. and i have nothing to offer, nothing to give, and that is okay - and i feel like it's not enought, like i am not enough. yet i am. i am enough without some pre-designed title or classification. but i am getting quieter and i wonder if i will always know how to speak.

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