23 May, 2006

So reading back over the past few entries I just want to clarify that I am okay. Things are fine, hard – yes, but fine.

I got to see a dear friend this weekend and that helped. It was interesting because when we were talking on the phone before she got here she asked me how I was, and I realized that no one has asked me that in a long time.

As people we get into this rut of where if people are meeting our expectations then they must be okay. So if they ask us how we are, and get things done, and appear “as they should” then it all must be going well. We deceive ourselves into not seeing the pain in others, and in turn take from them something very valuable – the realization that others will be there to stop the fall.

I was watching a TV show a few weeks ago and this guy had attempted suicide and was lying in the hospital with a good friend sitting near. The friend asked him why he didn’t reach out and the boy answered something to the affect of how he had pretended to be strong for so long, and through that people had started to rely on him, and in that they began to be concerned for him less and less. But that was okay with him because he wouldn’t have been honest, had anyone asked how he was, because he didn’t want to be seen as irresponsible or weak. Instead he chose to isolate what was going on (going wrong) and handle it alone. Then, one day he turned around and he was alone and couldn’t figure out how to change it…

Okay this post isn’t meant to be a woe is me post but, to be honest, I understood what the boy was trying to say complete and it broke my heart and I smiled sadly because that quote is me. I have struggled all my life with appearing strong and taking on everyone else’s crap while minimizing my own. Don’t get me wrong, I love being there for my friends and being the one they contact. Over time I forget that things aren’t okay in my life, or my issues get pushed aside for what’s going on with my friends.

There is a scene in Walk the Line that I love. It was while watching that move that I, yet again, wish I had at least minored in psychology because I think the characters in there would have been more fascinating if you could analyze their psychology (same with Closer). Anyway, it’s the scene where June Carter comes in to find the men on the tour with her drunk on stage. She has had a night herself and cannot take their crap any longer. After getting into a fight with them she starts to leave and says, “I am not gonna be that little Dutch boy with my finger in the damn no more!” It’s a line that has stayed with me ever since and I have come to realize how much I feel that for some areas of my life.

I believe in life there are people who hold things together and people who get to go through life getting by. It’s why I find it so hard to be mad at Martha when she got mad at Mary. She was the glue that held it all together. Or the older son being mad at his prodigal brother – he stayed behind and picked up the slack and was overlooked for doing what was expected (and needed). And while I think those of us who are called to do that, or find ourselves in that place, need to do so without complaining about it, it does hurt to never be seen for what we just do. It’s not hard to overlook those who stay in the shadows but make sure it all gets done. We rarely get a thank you, our work rarely gets noticed, and I don’t know anyone who has had a prince come to their door. Yet, I don’t think I would trade this position for any other because it has taught me so much and is essential to who I am. I don’t know why all of this came out and who knows I might delete a lot of it later, but just to say that sometimes when one finds themselves the little Dutch boy with the finger in a damn it would be good to have someone else there with there hands on your shoulders.

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© Amanda Lunday