09 March, 2006

Is it odd that I go to office supply stores when I’m stressed? It used to be bookstores, but now all that does is remind me how much I want to run away and rent a cabin for six months.

Not good...

So now it’s Office Max, Office Depot, Staples. I go and wander the isles and somewhere between file folders and sharpies I calm down and find a way to function.

Elections are at school this week, and my friend is running, I hope she wins. Spring Break starts next week, but I really wish it was now! I’m going to Cali and I can barely wait.

I’m so confused right now. Things I thought I had defeated and gotten over months ago are creeping back up.

Somewhere between dinner last spring and last night I fell. I’m hurt, confused. I feel so hypocritical because I tell my friends to get over the bad guys in their lives and find a way to function alone. I spout ideas about waiting, and being worth more, and yet, here I am. I’m perplexed. This is such a struggle for me. I have prayed often for God to take it, to take these feelings if it isn’t right. On days like today I say when I am more even keeled, or can get my bearings then it won’t matter, but it’s been a really long time and I’m still here. And I feel pretty at ease and on the right track at the moment (see post below).

So am I weak, or is it something more? I don’t know who to talk to, I open my mouth to ask someone but then I feel so silly. Look at him, look at me – enough said. And yet, I can’t help but wonder in the back of my mind…

…stop it!

pray for me, I need wisdom and strength.

(You stand in the line just to hit a new low. You're faking a smile with the coffee to go. You tell me your life's been way off line, you're falling to pieces everytime, and I don't need no carryin' on.

Cause you had a bad day, you're taking one down. You sing a sad song just to turn it around. You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie. You work at a smile and you go for a ride. You had a bad day the camera don't lie. You're coming back down and you really don't mind. You had a bad day. You had a bad day (Daniel Powter)

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© Amanda Lunday