13 May, 2005

So I’m sitting in the mailroom, ignoring the overwhelming pile of things that need to be metered… I’m in the worse mood today and I don’t know why. Over the past few days I have been struggling with how very little I actually matter in the place. To others I come off strong and confident (intimidating too?) in reality I am so scared, petrified, and unsure – I just don’t feel safe here so why open up? I can recall the few instances when I have felt completely free to be who I am (thank you my beautiful roommates for giving me that safety)… but then, the other contradiction is to the people who have chosen to see me I come across beautiful and impactful (– believe me that is not a pride statement in anyway, it’s come from honest conversations and notes I have received.). It is a perception I want to keep and display all the time, but I don’t know how to be as happy and real as I am with the people who see those things in me because I am so scared in this place…

I am reading this book “Captivating” right now and there are some very noble truths wrapped up in the cheese of it all. (it is kinda cheesy, for me at least, but I know some women who could benefit from its words.) I like to be in control, I need that security. I don’t delegate because I want things done things done right and well – hell, I stayed in a position a month longer than necessary because I wanted to make sure the people I serve didn’t get screwed over by people who don’t really care! But it is unnecessary and a control thing above anything else.

The point is – I hate being this scared. I have been here three years and I know I could be so much more – I could be the person I am in these isolated moments if I could just get over being so petrified all the time. I have boxed myself into needing the approval of a handful of shallow, two-faced people instead of basking in the glory of the people who love me and see the beauty of God within me even when I don’t see it myself…

I’m tired of conformity – I’m tired of being afraid to truly be.

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© Amanda Lunday