04 November, 2014

Sitting in the Discomfort



Tiffany Han recently asked:

What do you really want?

Like, really, truly more than anything want?

And how comfortable are you with sitting with that question
and being unsure of the answer?



To be honest, I feel like I’ve been sitting with that question for over a year. The answers come easy:

I want to be a writer.

I want to be someone who is grace-filled.

I want to show God in a real way.

I want to be a peace maker.

It’s the execution that I can’t get right. Writing is like bread, it takes time to rise. Words on paper translate (eventually) into a story that might get picked up and read. But it doesn’t happen overnight.

I have struggled for most of my adult life with being a slightly sarcastic, direct, realist. I hate inefficiency. I don’t have time for games, and wish that people would just relate to each other in honest and direct ways. I value personal responsibility and action. You can only complain about something to me for so long before I will turn and ask, “So what are you going to do about that?”

But how does that jive with being grace-filled and a peace maker?

I was raised being told that good Christian girls (I hate that term by the way) were to be quiet, appeasing, passive, and obedient. Yet, as I grew older I realized I am none of those things. It took me a really long time to grasp and claim that God makes everyone different. The women I admire, women of deep faith, are not quiet and passive. They are in there, calling out people’s BS and making a difference.

I am a juxtaposition. I am creativity and organization. I am right and left brain. I am passionate and vocal, and yet brought to tears by injustice and disgusted by suffering.

Maybe the point is that I need to break the idea in my head of what being grace-filled and a peace maker means.

Maybe being grace-filled means the ability to call people out of the lies that ensnare them with a little bit of tough love and consistent voice reminding them of their intrinsic value.

Maybe being a peace maker does not mean being acquiescent, but facing things head on, so that people can move more honestly and, while painful and perhaps prolonged, can come to a place of loving each other more because they love each other fully.

Both of those things enable me to show God in a real way.

So, Miss Tiffany, what do I want?

I want to be a writer, whose stories are filled with truth and grace. I want to portray people honestly, and perhaps help people to see themselves more fully. I want to show God in a true way. To destroy the clichés and superficiality that has come to define him. He is a God of mercy, grace, justice, and truth. Mostly, he is a God who is there.

Faith is a momentary decision. Some days it’s easy, other days it’s the hardest thing in the world. But regardless of where we find ourselves, God is there, waiting to be invited into our story.

So I sit in the discomfort of the question with an answer whose time has not yet come. I treasure the moments I get to be a writer, when I can display Christ and be who I was made to be.


And that is what I really, truly, more than anything want. 

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© Amanda Lunday