15 December, 2010

One Day at a Time

I apologize for the lack of posting. I was down all of last week, sick at home. 

I am trying to figure out why I blog, what the point is in what I am trying to say. It's been going through my head for a while now. I love to write, it's my release, and yet, I can't keep a blog consistently going. I've had this blog for seven years - doesn't really seem possible - and I still feel it is relatively undefined. 

One day at a time - that seems to be a mantra for me right now. There is a lot going on, more than I can really put a finger on. A friend told me the other day it seems I am on a journey of uncertainty or reflection in my life. And I am. 

Someone else said I seem rudderless - and that is accurate also. But I've felt a drift for a while now, at least two years, hoping a good job or Rwanda or a relationship would stop the questions and solidify the mire long enough for me to get out. But it doesn't work that way. And I know that. 

Life will never look like what we think it will. And that's just the reality of how things are. Things change - unforeseen events change everything. And even if you can keep your life on a pretty organized path (good luck!), you bump into other people's lives - and they affect yours. 

There is a Gary Allen song that plays in my head on days like today:

Life ain't always beautiful, sometimes it's just plain hard. Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful. You think you're on your way and it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles makes you stronger, and the changes make you wise. And happiness has its own way of takin' it sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful, tears will fall sometimes. Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride. 

So, what do we do when life is this way? Do we give in, hide, deny, run or surrender? I am trying to surrender, to not take my life out of the Father's hands. I am striving to be faithful and do what is right (whatever that means!). But it's hard. We don't get burning bushes or  midnight visitations. We get one day at a time - and the choices of how to use that day. We are faced with decisions that challenge us, we get stuck in situations we could never  foresee, and through it all we are asked to trust and believe. Or, said another way, trust and be faithful. 

But how do you stay faithful when you feel so utterly alone in the cries of your heart?  

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© Amanda Lunday