11 August, 2010

Your Worth

My life right now is often a response to things around me. Articles, quotes, photos, etc. that touch and somehow say what I cannot.

Things are off at the moment. I feel like I am becoming unhinged in a lot of ways. Some might say this is good because it means I am learning to rely on Someone else - but really it just hurts.

What do you run to in times of uncertainty? What/who do you let define you? I know what I should (God) but He is often not the first place I look. A friend is considering applying for a job - hoping because it is doing something to make a difference it will define and help satisfy her - I can look at her and know the job won't. A new job will not fix anything in her life. She is constantly looking to something tangible - a job, a house, a pet, her kids - to define her and say, "You are doing good." But none of those things can.

I am the opposite - I tend to shut down. When work, life, boys, friends, identity, career, passion, purpose, joy, etc. all elude, befuddle, or escape me - I become a hermit. I go home at night and time until I can sleep and start this cycle over again - all the while asking God, "Is this really all You have for me?"

In the last week I have been struck many times with the idea of giving God our first fruits. Not the last, or what we think we can spare, but the FIRST. It makes me wonder how much of my faith or belief is a response to God vs. a belief in God. Last week someone asked if I could properly identify and place grace in my life. And I can't.

I started thinking about David today - in the moments after Bathsheba left his room - when he knew he had committed adultery, broken a Commandment, sinned against God. When regret or questions or 'what the heck just happened' started to settle in. When it was just him and God. Before he knew about her pregnancy, before he had her husband killed, before their son died and he found his way back to God. When it was just him and God and nothing but the silence of the morning and the knowing loss of conviction.

In those moments - where was his faith? In that morning light - where is mine? And, maybe more than that, what have I turned to (like David turned to Bathsheba) to define, carry and try and fill that scream/hole in my heart that only God can.

I was reading Pete this morning (slowly becoming a favorite blog of mine), and was struck by his post. At it's core is the question of what value do I place on myself and how much I shortchange how God sees me? Here is his post:

Your Worth:

I read an interesting article about how insurance companies calculate an individual’s worth in order to determine whether to cover a new medical procedure. Apparently, the international standard most private and government-run health insurance plans use puts your value at $50,000. The article argues that this figure is outdated and the new figure would put your worth at a whopping $129,000 (this is the result of inflation not anything you did, so don’t get a big head).

There are days, to be honest, I don’t feel like I’m worth fifty bucks, much less $50,000. There are days I’m surprised…

my church lets me serve

my wife puts up with me

my friends stick around

Ever have those days?

But here’s the biggest shocker of all. The one that I just can’t comprehend. The Creator of the universe thinks I’m so valuable he can’t even put a number on it. Take a second to let this sink in…

Matt 10:29-31 (nlt)

29 What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin[? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. 30 And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.

Romans 5:7-8 (TM)

We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him.

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© Amanda Lunday