04 August, 2010

Lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless...

There is a reality that hits you in the face as you get older and are single. There is the decision on whether you will go out and stay in. Refusing to be a shut-in due to something I lack - based on the lie society has told me - I go out. I enjoy silence, being alone. And while sometimes it is lonely to sit on the bus by myself, or go into a restaurant and get a table for one, or fall asleep each night alone, there is a freedom that I am who I am. 

Too often I have seen friends change/refuse/deny parts of who they are for companionship. Then they fight against the restraints - and yet, the idea of being singular - alone -  compels them to stay and deny and fight and not enjoy what they have because it is not truly who they are. 

What if it is all a lie? What if our worth is not attached to what others say/think we are or the approval we get from friends and family and co-workers? What if the ultimate is not having someone connect their lives to ours, but the ability to look ourselves in the eyes with integrity and respect? 

I am who I am. I am feisty, playful, sarcastic, dramatic, I love to laugh and debate and I see the world in very black and white terms. I enjoy silence, and just being. My ideal Friday night is coffee and a bookstore... I have dreams and ideas, ambitions and plans - and if that can include you, please come along. If not - I am not going to deny or be brought down by the lie that I am only "ok" or "acceptable" or "normal" if I have a husband and three kids and the American dream that does not seem to satisfy anyone. 

I don't want to be normal... 

Start small dear friends, go to Borders alone, sit in Starbucks without your cell phone, take the Metro without the facade of traveling to work or totally disengaging once you sit down.

I know a person 60 years old, who will not do anything alone. They will not go to the movies, or a concert, out to dinner or anything by themselves - and while we need companionship, there is a freedom, a security, a self-awareness, a confidence that allows one to go to a restaurant they love and be. 

Companionship is not bad, relationships are vital and good - but they should not define us, and we should be secure in ourselves alone to move in the world as it is. 

It takes time, but I miss the ability to be alone. I've lost it - to me it is a sign of safety... 

Watch the video and think. I'd love to hear your reactions... 

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© Amanda Lunday