24 August, 2010

I'm Moving On...

Moving on is hard - whether it's from a job we loved, a broken friendship, love no longer there, a season of joy to one of unknown - saying goodbye to what once was is often times accompanied by pain, questions, trepidation, and uncertainty.

Sometimes moving on is good and possibly easy to the job you have wanted, a move to a new city and place, the start of a new chapter - graduation, marriage, etc.

But when accompanied by questions, pains, unresolved emotions - or a change you never wanted and never saw coming - the pain is overwhelming and the tears numerous.

I have often found it hard to keep going it times like this. I want to sit down, shut myself in, close off the world and sleep/cry until some semblance of order is restored. I want to hide out until I don't hurt. I tend to shut out the world and just move through my days. To admit this still hurts, that weeks later I am still this devastated and cry this hard, is embarrassing. It's pride that keeps me from reaching out.

Someone once said that being transparent will cost us greatly, but the cost is worth what we get in return.

I get up and go out. I put one foot in front of the other and refuse to give in to the fear and questions and pain that make me want to give up and stay in bed or sit inside, drink coffee and question.

Perhaps ennui is coming back. Acadia mixes with a broken heart causing the muck of isolation, discontent, wishing to be anywhere else, and questions of tomorrow to become thicker making the mire around my feet to solidify and set a bit more - tying me to this place - both physically and in emotions.

What do I turn to? Where do I look when nothing makes sense and all I can feel is the reverberation of obliteration at the base of what was once my heart...

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© Amanda Lunday