29 June, 2010

Scream


One of my favorite scenes in a movie ever is this one in Garden State. There is something freeing and redeeming and just real about that moment. 


When I get to overwhelmed (like I am now) I think about this scene and smile. Since I cannot stand up at work and scream until I get it out (or more likely cry) I let them do it for me. 


I am reading this book called Pilgrimage of a Soul - and in it Heuertz writes about the dark night of the soul (as John of the Cross wrote about and made famous) and while, during that time, we will either face what is there or run. And that if we can get through the dark night, which is really more attune to being refined and brought closer to God, then we will have rest on the other side. Though, sometimes, what causes the dark night, what we are being asked to give up, is hard and difficult to face, it might be so ingrained that we don't even realize it's there. 


I am often confronted with the question of what I would give up for God. A friend posed this question:  I put  __________ before my relationship with Jesus Christ.


For me, right now, the better question might be - what do I put my relationship with God before? I haven't done a quiet time in a while, I find it hard to pray. I think until I picked up Pilgrimage I had found it hard to hear His voice at all. 


I think what happened is the dark night came and I fled. I wasn't focused or strong or ready enough to deal with it. So I hid. I think too often we are overly harsh on Adam and Eve for hiding after the fall. But I can understand the desire to not be seen by God. I get wanting to veil yourself from the One who knows you. 


So, here I am, if I could find a train on the edge of ravine I would yell. As it stands all I have is the ability to sing really loudly in my car. 


I have also come to see that sometimes all you can do is live one day to the next, one breath before another. In and out, in and out is sometimes all we get in a day. 






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