30 April, 2010

"...when the broken is let out."

I am heartbroken and sad. I am sitting at work trying not to cry, just wanting to sit alone and think - and yet I don't. I hate the silence. Yet, I can't focus. I can't pray. I can't write, I can't feel. I can't process. 

A friend said: this isn't the life I wanted. And I know just how she feels.

I am alone. There's not one to talk to, so I turn to this. It's impersonal and detached, and I don't even know who still reads this. But it's all I have. 

I was reading the other day about Peter and how in that moment when he betrayed Christ, again said, "I do not know that man," and saw the compassion in Jesus eyes as he looked at him and the rooster crowed, in that moment Peter was broken and never was the same. He was literally shook to his core and had no other option than to leave and weep. He went from being a person controlled by self, to a person controlled by God - and in that moment of greatest shame, came a moment of great surrender and finally Peter got it. 

Maybe I don't get it. Maybe my faith is still what I can get, what I can accomplish. Maybe it is all about me. I feel like I start to make some headway and then am knocked back ten steps. It sucks and I hate it. What's wrong me with? I cry out - and yet, there it is - sin, lust, greed, anger, hatred, unlove, the lie that I can do this on my own. God is a nice afterthought but He is far from my heart. He is camped outside as I still try to do it on my own. 

"We cannot be dependent on ourselves and dependent on God at the same time. When we consider the practice of rest unnecessary, we also will inevitably lose sight of the necessity of God." (Anne Jackson)

Anne Jackson describes her struggle. While I do not compare what is going on with me with what she experienced. I can read the end and find a bit of reality there.

Was it the community around me? A blend of friends, acquaintances and strangers coming together in such a powerful way?

Was it simply pushing myself to pull out of the selfish cycle of negativity I had been dwelling in all day?

Was it realizing a common, broken thread of humanity and a same common need for rescue?

I don't know.

Maybe it was all of those things, and things I didn't even see or feel or realize.

But something happened underneath the weight of it all.

The weight of my past and the most broken part of my soul.
The weight of poverty and the most broken part of the world.

Redemption only can be recognized when the broken is let out.

And it can happen unexpectedly.

And I am grateful.

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© Amanda Lunday