26 April, 2010

Ennui

"Be content where I plant you!" That is the message that is bring played over and over and over in my head right now. 

God has me here and who am I to complain? Who am I to look at the things around me I don't get or that hurt or let my mind rest on where I want to be? I get so lost in the pain of just not wanting to be there, that maybe I am missing the bigger point.

I am discontent. Discontent and exhausted and apathetic. I don't care. People keep asking me about my job, which I like. The man I work for is incredible and they are investing in me - I get to go to Raleigh in May and Chicago in September and attend an art conference in August. This is not just a desk job and for that I'm grateful.

It's an entire life thing really, more than just being blah about work, it's being neutral with life. 

Kathleen Norris turned me on to the idea of ACEDIA -  a state of listlessness or torpor, of not caring or not being concerned with one's position or condition in the world. It can lead to a state of being unable to perform one's duties in life. Its spiritual overtones make it related to but distinct from depression. Acedia was originally noted as a problem among monks and other ascetics who maintained a solitary life. (link).

"The Oxford Concise Dictionary of the Christian Church defines acedia as "a state of restlessness and inability either to work or to pray""



Yep, that's me. I'm not depressed, just ready for something more. I am homesick.

I am ennui. (A feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom (site))

How do we overcome ennui? How does one come out of acedia? 


Wesley said God can do nothing except thru the answer to prayer (something like that). Maybe it's getting back to the basics, taking control again, being still and waiting.... for Him to come and start that gentle whisper. 


I can't be ennui and ignore God, that will only make things worse and while doing a quiet time (or getting out of bed, getting dressed, etc.) might be the last thing I want to do, perhaps it is the one thing I have to do. 




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