07 December, 2009

where's your mind?

"If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind wanders." ~ Unknown

So I don't remember where I got this quote from, but it is one of those whose truth is very evident and yet you don't want to face it. I don't want to admit where my mind goes because it is not where I want it too. I don't want to think about things I don't have yet and consider them more than God. If my heart is God's (which it is) then my mind should be too? ... Right.

Sorry for the massive delay in posting. I got home safe from Rwanda and am now hanging out at the parents' house in CO. Don't know what the future holds after the holidays. I would love to be in DC, but maybe a stint in CO would be good. Looking into grad school right now - MFA in Creative Writing, MBA in International Economics, Seminary.... Yeah it's all on the table. I think I want to be the continual learner, but that can get expensive... hmmmmm.

Where is my mind? It's focused on me most of the time. I am a very selfish person (as I think most people are). And it has to do with that quote about character being who you are when no one but God is watching. Who I am and who I want to be are miles apart and I think the separating factor is fear. I am a very fearful person. I am hurt and that hurt has seeped into me and created a person I barely recognize at times. In a weird way it's like someone who has lost a limb but can feel it itch. I have memories of who I was before I got like this and yet, it's gone, that person cannot exist again - so how do you move on from what will never be again?

My heart is scared, closed off, wounded, defensive - and I am worried about it only getting more damaged so I think of myself and live in my head in a place that does not exist. It is settling for what I can control instead of admitting I am not in control and falling face down before God.

It can't be about me and about Him. So maybe it's time it became a lot less about me and a lot more about Him.

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