20 July, 2009

Ask for the Impossible

Do I trust God? That is the question God has been placing before me repeatedly these last few days. Do I trust Him? Do I trust Him that He can do all He says? There is this verse I love, Hosea 2:14-  Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. - I prayed that over the girls I met during my Cambodia trip. I hope that somehow God is able to heal them and love them into the image He created them in. But recently I felt God pulling that verse to my mind and asking, "But what about you?"

Oswald Chambers once said "If it is an impossibility, it is the very thing for which we have to ask."

James 1:6 reads, "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."

I have been asking God to heal my heart for a while now. I often equate myself to someone standing in a shelled out bunker. The war is over, victory is assured, but I cannot get myself to move, to celebrate the freedom I'm guaranteed, because the world outside the bunker is unknown and scary. So I prefer to stay inside, trembling, scared, dirty and hungry, grasping to a relic that use to protect me, but is now only assuring my demise. And God is standing just outside the barbed wire, hand open, inviting me to more, and while I want to take His hand, while I hate where I am, I cannot muster the courage to let go of the brick and take His hand.

"He must believe and not doubt."

I cry out to God to heal me, to take away the scars the make me meek, to heal the pain that hinders me even today, but then I refuse to let them go. I know that for God to renew me it will be hard and painful, it will require facing demons I would rather not admit, rather not face. It will be painful, I will cry, it will be a battle. It will require everything I have. And each time I run back to the comfort of my decaying refuge it makes it that much harder to come out again.

So then the question becomes: What am I willing to loose vs. what I will gain?

He softly whispers, "I have so much more for you."
"I know Lord, and I want to get there, but I am scared - I want Your light, I hate this hole, but it's all I know."
"I will teach you to long for more. I will build you a new home. Mine."
"TRUST Me my loved one, trust."

And that's it - do I trust God? Do I trust that He is really all He says and can do all He promises? Not do I know or can I say or do I feel - but do I trust? Do I trust God? It is one thing to say I do - in my head, yes, I trust Him. He has shown Himself to be trustworthy and good. In the past He has repeatedly been there. He is my comfort and my rock - but how I get that to transfer to my heart... I am at a loss. But maybe that's why I am here, to learn who He is. Just as God called Gomer to the desert, just as He stripped her of everything she had - her land, her wealth, her status - and rebuilt it in His likeness, maybe it is to be with me.

How do you accept the trust of someone who has never let you down?

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© Amanda Lunday