04 April, 2009


I am at my friends house in Maryland this weekend: Kataloo. An amazing retreat  that feels like home, like rest. I am surrounded in stillness and for the first time in a long time able to hear myself think. It has been a good time. I am trying to figure out my life, something that shouldn't be so stressful, but at the moment is.

I have written about the field of yellow lights before me. No more clarity to be had on any of them. I think I have blogged about this desire I have had since I was in high school about taking some time in deep retreat, of leaving the city, moving to the country, and being. Of writing, journaling, praying, working a simple job, living a simple life. Of discovering who I am, however that is best done. Of being with God and being in stillness and contemplation.

I told my hostess this weekend that I need to be married so I do not have to work and have time to keep a house like this, and invite others into it, to garden, to read, to write. To a friend I recently wrote, "I really miss the openness of the ranch and the ability to walk in the peace and the openness. I love DC and I love the city and there is very little I would change, but I miss walking in the silence of the valley."

What is to come I do not know. I came into this weekend expecting clarity and have only come to realize I am running on fumes and don't know how much longer I can make it. I don't think we were made to be mediocre or just survive and while going through a valley is part of life, living there is unacceptable. Yes, I am in a good job, and yes, I do enjoy it at times, and yes I am making a difference, but I still do not know if that is where I am to be. And part of me wonders if the DRC and Rwanda are just not places to runaway to but not necessarily the destination He has.

How am I more muddled than I was before?

more to come...

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