15 July, 2007

It's 2 am and I can't sleep. (well actually neither my roommate or I can sleep, but she actually might have just dozed off reading Time...hmmmmmmm)

My mind is filled with a lot of pointless jabber that won't let me rest. None of it is life-changing or dramatic, just questions and "what ifs."

I've been thinking a lot about college and my last semester there, or really the entire four years. I had/have a definite love-hate relationship with my home institution. Being in DC has made me regret severely where I graduated from... But that is not what this is about... No, more than that there is a profound sadness over who I was during college.

Let me try to explain...

At school I felt very defensive all the time, and I felt I had to be b/c my school was not a very safe place. To me it was incredibly judgmental and I didn't fit (which the sad thing is I found a group of ppl. post-DC that I would have loved to get to know more - but sadly ran out of time). So I tried to get involved, but nothing was ever right - I was not happy, I hated the school - and yet I stayed.

I can remember many conversations with my boss crying over whether or not to stay - and I always did - mostly because of fear and no idea how to start transferring. And I was always over-committed (to nothing I truly enjoyed) and I felt obligated to stay.

To be honest I wasn't a very nice person at school, and that sucks. There were very few people who a) took the time to get to know me, and b) made me feel secure to drop my defenses. I was a harsh person at school, cold and intimidating. I never fit, and didn't really want to.

It's that odd thing in our culture where shyness (or quietness or however you say it) is taken to be either oddness or rudeness. I think I came across very arrogant and rude at school, when in reality I was scared to death and had no idea what to do.

After DC I went back to school incredibly vulnerable. DC had stripped my defenses and left me, for the first time, assured in a direction. I had found my own two feet and come to let go of a lot of the crap from my first three years. I went home and felt that ppl. had moved on without me, that there was no place for me, and that, more than ever, I was truly outsider.

My heart was broken after my semester abroad and I needed help to repair it... That help really wasn't there - and so I reacted in harsh, mean, outspoken, very rude ways - and for that I wish I could apologize. I wish I could apologize for being hurtful and negative and defensive and just a truly ugly person. The reality of it all was I felt very isolated and misunderstood - but that does not excuse my actions.

I don't know why I'm posting all this, but it has been on my mind for over a year now and maybe if I can write it down it would take some of the edge off of it.

I don't know.

Or maybe it's b/c I am getting ready to fly home soon and sitting here trying to figure out who to see has made me realize all that I never got to experience...

That, and it's 2am...

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© Amanda Lunday