25 June, 2007

I am so tired of feeling hopeless and helpless and regretting everyday things - words spoken stupidly, actions that cannot be taken back. Things are wonderful, okay, things are good. But is this who I want to be? Is this who I envisioned?

The answer is no, and I am struck by the simple reality that I have no idea how to change. I pray that He will show me how to loose the things in myself that are ugly and do not serve Him - but I have also come to realize they are my defenses and the things I run to when I am injured or scared or unsure or feel like I am not enough.

How do you change in-grained habits? How do you apologize for a characteristic?

I'm sorry I am loud, I am sorry I am fake, I am sorry you have come to have nothing to say to me..


...but honestly, I have nothing to say to myself.



Refinement sucks, and I can only hope that is what this is. If it is anything else, I fear I may not have the endurance to weather it.



It's amazing how we leave one set of flawed insecurities behind and unknowingly find ourselves caught it others...


fun.

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