12 June, 2007

Hello friends,

It's passed time for me to go home, but the rumble of thunder and the dance of lightening off the buildings around me has kept me inside for a while longer.

I want you all to know that this is a place I try to be real and open, and hopefully express my heart here, if I can't necessarily do so anywhere else. It's been difficult for me the last few weeks, because instead of giving people a brief look into the world through my eyes, my entries have been trivial and I recognize this and am trying to get to a point of being in a place where I can be honest and open again.

That being said life has been a bit crazy lately, a stressful May has fallen into a complacent June. I describe my being at the moment of feeling like a very bad burn victim. I am charred and seared and know that my wounds should hurt, but the pain is so extensive and vast, and my nerves are so numb that I don't feel anything. Sadly, I know this will not last and so I live in constant fear of getting feeling back anywhere. Because getting any return sensation means I will have to face the pain that will engulf my entire being. And furthermore I don't know where I got burned, I don't remember stepping into a fire, I can't recall the explosion. All I can remember is waking up in a condition I did not recognize with no idea how I got there.

I've never been here before. If I felt like I was drowning, I would know what to do. Or put me in the desert with nothing to quench my thirst - I could get out of that. This feeling is foreign to me and not being able to identify the root of it is driving me crazy. All that to say, if you have been in my life since mid-May I apologize, because I have not been who I am or want to be.

The shields are up, my armor is secure. I have reinforced the barbed wire around myself and set the land mines out. I hate this isolation, truly I do. But there is a constant battle of which hurts more: staying isolated where I can relatively control things (relatively) or risk letting down my guard and welcoming the pain that awaits me (don't you love mixed metaphors).

I don't know. And that's the annoying part - I DON'T KNOW! But thank you for those who have taken the time to at least ask what's going on, though I know I've frustrated you by just shrugging my shoulders and looking at you sadly. No you can't fill in the gaps, but I can't either.

I just don't even know where to begin...

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© Amanda Lunday