26 April, 2007

I miss you so much I fear my heart might break

But the breaking might be better, because then it would scatter this pain to the wind.

Things I’ve struggled with since I was a little girl are rearing their ugly heads and I don’t know how to quiet them.

Do I matter?

If I was not right here, right now, would it make any difference?

I lived my childhood in a series of unimportant conversations that happened around me. You could have erased me from the table and nothing would have been different.

I long to be known.
I long to be seen,
I long to be loved.

I long for someone to love.

If someone reminds me of my age I will scream. Don't tell me I am on a grand adventure, or it will come in time. That doesn’t make waiting easier; it just reminds me of how much longer I could linger here…

I know I matter, I know to you I do. I cannot comprehend the mutual edification we’ve had on each other’s lives. I cannot count the number of nights that saved me, the amount of kind truths you spoken into my life.

But you are not here

And that is the problem.

I miss you.

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© Amanda Lunday