19 April, 2007

22/March/07
11:26pm.

…Trite words on a page. All ideas without backing or follow-through. Nothing but superficiality with the One I love and long to serve, and the One who can read me completely.

You made me, yet I try to conceal. You see my heart and I try to keep it from You. Why? Do I still think I can fool You? Cause I still try…

I long to love, yet I keep silent. I want know You but I get distracted. It’s my fault, and I don’t stop it.

How can I find the heart of one I never strive to see?


I ask You to meet me, then forget, stand You up for a world that demands everything I am unwilling to give. But I prefer to be idle in that hollowness then risk being let into Your courtyard.

Surface is acceptable because it demands nothing. Word without actions, ideas without heart. It’s wrong, so wrong – but superficiality is better than facing my fears.

Being heart broken is less painful than letting You mend it. The fire will be worse the break.

But I know it’s the only way to make this isolation end.



19/April/07
8:15am
Haggai 1:1-13

“‘Build [My] house so I may take delight in it and be honored’ says the Lord.” (Haggai 1:8b)

Conviction for me! I ignore my Father’s house while meticulously organizing my own comfort. “Take that corner, Lord,” I say, carelessly. “The dark, dirty, cluttered, long-forgotten, over-looked, corner with all the junk I’ve collected yet never consider anymore. Go, my King, be there.”

.yeah.

I work but never have “enough”
I eat but am never satisfied
I drink but am always thirsty
I put on clothes but feel cold and exposed
I labor but put it all into a purse with holes.

I ignore You and then wonder why I am discontent and isolated.

I am the people Your prophet wrote to. This letter might as well say, “Dearest Amanda…”

It is Your home I should toil to build. When I focus on You what I need will be given to me. You have put me in such a dark place and all I do is complain about being bored. You have led me to a place and I complain cause my standards aren’t being met….

Aren’t You tired of me yet?

Forty days later and I spend everything of food and junk that does not satisfy.
Forty days later and I drop Your hand so easily
Forty days later and its as if I never spent time you, never met You on holy ground, or felt Your hand on my back as I wept
Forty days You stood beside me and I betray You at the first.

How do You love such a creature with such a short term memory?



“We are never satisfied when our priorities are out of line with God’s will.” (Sid Buzzell)


So, yeah, that’s what’s going on. ☺

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