05 February, 2007

I'm scared. Scared to be in His presence. Scared to be before Him again.

My Bible sits on the floor by my bed and I am too nervous to pick it up. It overwhelms me - where do I turn? How do I begin? It's been so long (too long) and now I feel out of practice.

I know all He wants is for me to come, but that ravages me. I don't want to have to look at Him and account for what's been going on. I almost wish this time had been filled with outward sin so I could talk about that... How do you discuss a cold heart?

Maybe I should just start with, "I'm sorry."

I've heard that's a good place.

Even now, this is probably not something I should be posting about, but it keeps me from going to my room, sitting on the floor and holding His word. I'm fearful not of my Father's rebuke, but His love. His kind, ever-flowing, never-ending love. I don't deserve it, and even now I want to have to earn it back. But I know it's there, no strings attached, all I have to do is come.

But I don't deserve it. So I sit here on the couch - frozen - too ashamed to go get what's already mine.

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