10 July, 2006

Frustration – sadness – uncertainty – fear

These are but a few of the words that can describe the past few weeks of my life… Essentially I though I had been guaranteed a job, working 40 hours, stepping up from the admin assistant role (that I have been doing for 7+ years) and moving onto something new. I had gotten myself pretty excited about it; it was a new set of challenges, a new adventure working with people I liked. There was also the chance to get a free MBA, and the ability to make my resume better (not bad perks). Anyway, so, thought this job was guaranteed to me – only to have it pulled away and given to someone else. Sad. I cried, I’m angry, I don’t understand. Part of me is going back to six years ago when we left the ranch. It’s a lot of the same emotions (though not nearly as intense – thank God!!) the not understanding, feeling like the air just got knocked out me, world spinning, nothing to hold onto status. I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep. I want to cry, but there are just no tears left…

“IT WAS ONLY A JOB” – you say. Yes, I KNOW!!! But to me it was a step. It was, to me, the first thing that would have worked out since I got home from DC. I have felt so restless, unsure, scared, etc. since coming back and I was finally going to land somewhere. Now I have been blown away again and have no bearings and nothing to hold onto. It sucks – for symbolic, personal, emotional reasons… I did all these things, I got an apartment, signed a lease, settled into a city I HATE because I thought God was leading me to a stillness. And now, now I’m empty handed and stuck.

Thankfully I have a job until August, but it’s hard to work in a place with people who don’t think you’re good enough to keep doing your job after that. I’m trying not to be bitter, but, I am. And I love advice, I do, but what I really want right now is for someone to call and say, “Amanda, I know this is short notice, but, we have this job and we got your name and, well, would you like to interview for it?”

I’m just so tired of being someone’s assistant. I’ve done it since I was fifteen and I worked for my dad part-time. I have done it non-stop for 7 years. I’m ready for more. And then there is the fact that I have a plan. I know exactly where I want to be in five years – and that idea is so bright and would be so incredible – but I know I need to learn, grow, and adapt before I can get there. So the idea of working at Starbucks basically makes me want to scream because that would be a GIANT step back and away from what I want.

I am ready to be challenged, to expand my skill set, to get into a situation that will put me closer to be where I want to be five years from now.

Is that wrong?

I keep asking God that… Is it wrong to want to be challenged? To just not want a job but something I’m happy with? If someone gives the “you need to pay the bills” b.s. one more time I might punch them. Yes, I have bills to pay – but to me my mental sanity and all over health is more important than just having a job.

Needless to say, I’m annoyed.


I need it, lots of it. If you have any ideas, or know of anyone looking I will take any leads I can get. I am willing to move, and just ready for something more.

I just need to be held by my Father and told it’ll be okay.

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