16 May, 2006

Is life worth living?
Aye, with the best of us,
Heights of us, depths of us –
Life is the test of us.

~ Corinne Roosevelt Robinson

It’s bad when you start to see the cracks in the surface of your being. When the things that should have brought you joy only bring you pain. When instead of enjoying the possibility ahead you cringe at the idea of being alone… You can be seen, be known, and loved, and still feel a gaping void in your heart. You try to fill it with activities, or distractions, and pray it’ll go away – but the gap only grows until breathing becomes a task you don’t know if you can do.

I’m sinking and no one seems to notice. Yes, I know I’m strong but can’t you see through my lies? I can feel the cracks in my smile – don’t you see them to? Or is a flat reassuring word enough to let you off?

I’m ready for more and I am crying out for it. But the opportunities I see are slipping through my fingers like sand, leaving my skin cracked and gray. I feel myself fading and I can’t stop what I don’t understand.

I’m just so tired of feeling like this...

...I just want to feel whole again.

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© Amanda Lunday