30 March, 2006

I feel like the little kid jumping up and down in a crowd of adults with my hand up hoping someone notices…

…so far no one has.

I need someone to talk to. I need someone to take my hand, buy me some coffee and say, “spill.” I don’t want you to fix me, offer advice, or tell me a story about the time you were fifteen. I just need someone to sit there, as long as it takes, for me to get all this crap off my heart.

And that could take a while

I’m scared, confused, and unsure. I don’t understand, I don’t feel like enough, I’m not ready to move on… I take one step forward to move three back and I feel in this limbo phase of leaving DC and saying goodbye to CCU and for the first time I don’t want to say goodbye, but is that only because of super unrealistic expectations? I need to be girly about a boy, and vent all the things I don’t understand. I need the ability to be real instead of having to be what others expect me to be. I know the “grass is greener syndrome”, and the “this is where you are” mentality but right now both are crap. I am fine where I am, really, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want things…

I need to cry and I’m tired of crying alone.

The thing is - I need someone patient because if you know me you know I'll try to turn the conversation back on you or minimize everything - but don't let me. Look me in the eyes and make me be real... Is that too much to ask?

The truly sad thing is I don’t know if I have this time to give someone else so how can I expect someone to give it to me?

…oh well…

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© Amanda Lunday