16 March, 2006

Are we meant to be whole? Or will we always feel something is missing? I don’t even really know how to explain what is going on right now. God is refining me, and it sucks; I hate it. But I know it’s bringing me closer to Him. I think he is slowly taking me away from the things that might keep me here… Every time I try to cling to something else He taps my shoulder and says “I want that too.” And I cry, “No, Lord don’t take this.” He gently whispers that until I can survive on his sufficiency then I won’t ever know what’s next. So I look at my cousin, or my family, or what I know and give it to Him. And I’m not afraid to give it up; to say, this is yours too. It’s very freeing; I’m just so scared for what is coming next…

…I have no idea what to do. I heard from the internship place – I’ll have an answer by the end of the month. I spoke to two of my profs about grad school options – they both immediately said DU…. Hmmmm.

I might have posted this on my other site, but as I start to plan my life and try to determine how all the little things I want to do fit into it – I wonder how anyone else will ever fit into it.

I really just want to travel after graduation. Go to the Middle East and walk in the street, experience the sights and sounds… Go to Africa and witness the love and joy the have for our Father. Be in India and speak with an untouchable. The world is calling my name and I have no idea how to answer it.

My heart is so heavy, and bruised, broken and repaired haphazardly. I find myself trying to just breathe to get through a day. But somehow I know He’s working and I will come out with a better idea of what to do.

The Lord knows my tomorrows, what I’ll be doing, the path I am to walk. He can see what all this is for… “Even when I don’t see I still believe”

Breathing and believing…

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© Amanda Lunday