08 November, 2005

Life is a series of choices we make as we go. We take each step, one by one, hopping from one stone to the next. Yet when we take the time to look back we see a path. Yes, some of its hard, some of its joyous, but it is uniquely ours.

I was re-reading my blog today and began to think about all the decisions that led me here. I didn’t leave school at Christmas of my sophomore year, or summer before my junior, or Christmas of my junior year – all three times I contemplated leaving, but came back for one reason or another. Classes, commitments, uncertainty, feeling like I had to. But what if I had transferred? I wouldn’t be sitting in the Peace Corps, living it up in Washington that’s for sure…And somehow this experience, this time, makes all the crap and unnecessary pain of school manageable because it led me here.

The other night I was talking to Ian and he mentioned how someone had to go away to find out who she was. And that struck me. I’ll be honest in admitting I have been frustrated because a lot of the struggles I had at school seemed to follow me here. I feel like an outsider, I stutter, I’m unsure and quiet more than I want to be. But beyond that I have sense I am on to something. Patience and faith will lead me closer to who God has in store; I only have to keep leaping.

I can’t even begin to articulate what this semester has done… It’s been a struggle, but not in the same way school ever was. It’s hard to be here, yet I don’t want to run away. I want to stay and be with these people. I am going to miss the breakfast banter, my roommates’ addiction to Alias, the way Shannon says my name, having Diane close, and CMT before dinner…

My emotions are shot, my brain is fried, and most Sunday nights find me sobbing on the roof because it’s the only way I can deal. And while I wouldn’t mind the rest, I don’t mind the struggle. I am not deflated, like I always am at school. I am encouraged and still feel safe. And yet, I still can’t trust.

It’s the oddest contradiction – the desire to be seen vs. the need to be guarded. Maybe that’s what God is trying to do – show me that true peace only comes thru the risk of being let down and that the way I’ve been existing (trust in no one and never get hurt) is, well, quite stupid…

Deep thoughts for a Tuesday.

(Actually, I don’t have work on Friday (national holiday – oh yeah baby!) and so in the words of my co-worker today is actually, “pseudo Wednesday”)

ha ha ha…

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