28 November, 2005

It’s 4:32 on Monday afternoon and I have nothing to do until 7. To say that today is bad is to say the Nile is a stream. No, wait, bad is the wrong word – maybe difficult is better. Challenging? Annoying? Smothering? I don’t know – let’s just say it hasn’t been fun.

Everyone is back from Thanksgiving break (yay!). I stayed here, which was good. Didn’t get out that much, which is fine. It seems to be me that everyone returned with a chip on their shoulders, with something they needed to prove. I know we’re all over this project that’s due Friday – but we can’t start at the boiling place. And most of us are already there.

I’m trying to deal with so many things that individually I could conquer no problem – but together…

I don’t know if I can do one more semester. I am trying to determine if finishing mediocre-ly is better than taking more time to finish well. This stupid, elusive piece of paper is driving me insane. I want to walk across that stage, and I can in six months, and only have 8 classes left. But I hate my school, am done with my major and am left with classes that are only relevant to where I am – lame! I’ve decided I want to focus in on public policy – public relations – and I can’t do that at my school. But it’s what I want. I have come to a place where the path is clear and I now see it’s on the other side of the ravine – so what do I do?

Friendships are hard – people fail you. Fear/insecurity pushes people away. How do you deal with that? How do you not let it hurt when someone decides to push you away? How do you become okay not mattering? Once again I did nothing wrong and I am being clobbered. And I loathe this individual because my being clobbered is such a contradiction of every word that has ever come out of their mouth, and that really makes me mad. Who are you to do this to me? You hypocrite! I want to be mean, but I can’t. so I have to act like I don’t give a damn – fine I don’t. There’s a song lyric the keeps playing over in my mind “I’ve become comfortably numb” and believe me I have.

Trust is fickle, so hard to gain and easy to lose. You can’t stop the ones you love from hurting themselves, or make them value themselves more. You can see the traps, and raise the alarms, but at the end of the day every man’s walk is his own and you can do little to alter it.

Some days, like today, I am so hungry for heaven. The reason we are all on edge doesn’t matter. A week from now it won’t matter. It wouldn’t matter now except six people decided it did. How in hell does this topic show Christ to me? It shows me more flaws of man, but I didn’t need that. It gives me another reason to hope for the second coming, and pray to God it comes soon. I hate this world. I truly do. Yet if I am here, there is a reason and I can’t stop trusting in that. Paul’s words haunt my thoughts, “to live is Christ, to die is gain.” This is becoming the anthem of every step I take. If I am still here, there is a reason, and I’m not gonna waste it – but this place is not my home, and I can’t wait to be taken there. I want to dance with my Father fully, without fear or pain or questions. I think sometimes it’s the questions that get me the most in my walk with God. I can trust him through the bad stuff, and celebrating with Him is amazing, but it’s the depravity of one man against another that makes me doubt…But now we’ve gotten way off track.

Things are fine. And that’s not just me trying to be strong. But you know we don’t always have to be fighting these massive battles, sometimes it’s the tiny paper cuts that are too much to handle…

…Tomorrow is another day…

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© Amanda Lunday