08 July, 2005

Sorry it has been so long since my last post… not a lot going on right now, more random thoughts that seem to come and inconvenient times and I can never really fully wrap my mind around them or fully figure out what I am trying to determine…

I can’t decide about the fall. Some days D.C. calls to me and I want to be there so bad. I am swept away in the romanticism of the city, the feeling of power, the mystery of the unknown. But then, a day like today happens and I am checking out ticket prices to Australia trying to plan a two month retreat (wanna come Meg?) and wanting nothing more but to take, as I perceive it to be, this last little chance at freedom and do all the things I’ve been afraid to do all along. (Hey I just found a ticket for $1,400 to Australia from Denver…. Hmmmmmmmm). Or hey what about Europe – how is Europe in the fall?

Wow, the feeling of doing something bold and un-school related is really powerful…

I am just too indecisive. But I haven’t been just constantly focused on it – so could my indecisiveness be a sign? When does fear and spontaneity give way to sign not to go? I don’t know. I e-mailed my internship chicka and am awaiting a reply…

I am just ready for a break. And D.C. could be a break. I’ve heard from others that it is amazing, but both of these boys wanted to go since day one – and I, I was just looking for a way out of here. But I was excited and the program itself does appeal to me. It has the security of plans set (housing, food, work, etc.) with the chance and determining future possibilities…But is a yes in a moment of insanity the best reason to go with all this doubt inside?

But then the voice starts in my head “You backed out of Australia, you never transferred out…You are the queen of not following through.” And I hate this voice and try to strangle it but it persistent… Could my desire not to go just be a reinforced habit?

Too many unknowns….

Any insights?

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