22 April, 2005

I have come to the foregone conclusion that my campus is like a small town. There are the people who graduate and then get jobs at the Piggly Wiggly, the bank, or the photo hut on Main Street, they will marry and procreate without ever daring to leave the city limits. Then there are others who survive as long as they can in this place. But they finally begin to suffocate and know they must get out. They see the cracks in the small town, the pain, and stupidity of constantly being forced to meet other people’s expectations… They must get out! But their freedom comes at a price – they leave behind all they know, and the silly comforts that are afforded to them, because leaving what you know is scary. So why can’t you just stay where you are, finding peace and fulfillment in the small joys this place holds – never wanting more? It is not to say that people who are happy in this town are wrong, or naïve, or not fulfilling their potential, rather, it is saying that there has to be more!

I am getting out! It is time. Right now I am so frustrated and just over it. Yet I still cry… Why? In “Garden State” there is a scene where the three main characters are standing on this dilapidated train car shouting into an infinite abyss – I need that. I sit here only wanting to throw my head back and scream because there is no other way to release all the frustration I feel inside. I am counting down the days (13) until I can get the hell out of the place and never look back. Yet I am still sad and the idea of not being here makes me cry! This is my home, this is where I am, the majority of my friends are here, I am trusted and respected and wanted (on some level) – yet I am not seen, I’m not happy, and I hate it because the small moment of authenticity and truth are covered up for what is expected and who were are suppose to be.

“This city’s made us crazy and we must get out.”

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© Amanda Lunday