25 February, 2005

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with God, with being content in him alone. I often turn to the crushes I have to fill me. I put all my weight into one man and wait for him to acknowledge me. Why do I do that? I have spent this entire year attracted to one man, one. And I think he's amazing, and kind, and sweet, passionate... someone I could definitely walk behind/besides and be very happy. We have a lot in common, and when I am around him I feel safe. He is one of the men I see pursuing God the most and at school that is huge! I will admit I don’t like how he tends to give in to popularity; I respect him more for the moments we have spent alone then how he is the majority of the time. Yet with all I see in him – my friends tell me it’s not there. I got into a discussion about attraction and “the one” and him the other day with two girls I have come to respect immensely! I go to them when I am down and struggling because I know they’ll give it to me straight. So I mentioned how hard it is for me right now, and they both said that really this man is without what I see. They told me to move on because I can do better, and I really have tried to remember that and take it into account, but it is really hard!

I want to hear God and do what he has; I don’t want to be drawn to this person if it’s not what He has in mind. But how do you do that? How do you just turn off emotion and attraction? I am attracted to this man – I have spent a lot of time talking to God just saying, “Lord if this isn’t yours take it! I want to be filled in You.” And I mean those things, I do.

I don’t know, random ramblings for your Friday morning.

Any thoughts?

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