13 February, 2005

I have come to a truly sad realization, I don’t rely on God. I really don’t. I assume that with my power and ability and wisdom that I can make it on my own. I say that I trust God, I repeat the words, and treat people well, but when it comes down to it, I am fully reliant on my own strength until I am to weak to move then I ask for help.

Things have really sucked lately, and that is an understatement. It seems that anything I could struggle with right now, I am. I have no idea what to do in the fall, I like someone who shows no signs of reciprocation, I struggle with the way things are at home, I struggle with being alone and unknown – and through all this all I can say is: I just hurt. I cry out to God. I cry out the only way I know how – I sit in the corner and just ask for Him to do something – anything! It doesn’t have to be moving a mountain, or painting encouragement on my wall (though the burning bush thing would be cool), just something. Let me know you are there and that You give a shit! Is that so much to ask?

I spoke to a very wise friend last night, who basically said I refuse to let myself to relax, and it’s true. I want an answer, one direction, one path. Don’t let me stand at the fork and say either way works – I want one or the other. Because of that I refuse to allow myself to be devoted to more than one thing. I want to study abroad, but I want to be here. I want to see the world, but I’m not ready to say good-bye. It’s not that I’m selfish and desire to have my cake and eat it too; rather I just refuse to allow myself to believe I could be happy in more than one situation.

I hate being a girl, I hate caring, I hate that I am sitting here, alone, crying when I really have no reason to be. I hate that I try and do the best that I know how, I am doing this living thing to the best of my ability. I am a good girl, I try to live for Him and treat others how I want to be treated. I am making the decisions the best way I know how. So why is this so hard? I just want this pain to end, but I don’t know what to say or do to make that happen. So I just hurt and that’s the way things go.

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© Amanda Lunday