21 October, 2004

This week has been insane - yeah I think that is an accurate word. I don't think I have cried and wanted God so much as I have these last 10 days. I was talking to a friend today and defined how things are now as my going to a well, dropping the bucket in, drawing it up empty and trying to live on the idea of water. I am never satisfied and in the end more thirsty then when I began. It's hard to identify what is going on. I think I am just so desperate to be known right now that I am dying inside. Since the semester began I have learned what is expected of me, and I realized that if I get those things done then no one really notices I am doing them with a tear stained face. And as long as I keep myself occupied, I don't notice the tears either.

To be honest, I just want to feel. I need to know I am real. It seems that my life recently can be defined by disappointment or regret. I see God in the small things, the leaves changing, laughter or a hug from a friend - but it is like the wind, nothing I can grasp.

I just need prayer, that's about the extent of it. I need God to shake me in a radical way. I want to dance with the Lover of my soul in fields of grace. The only good thing about this time is that I am learning how to be dependent on His strength to survive.
Lord, let there be another way.

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© Amanda Lunday