12 May, 2004

“Your strong love for each other will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” John 13:35 This is the verse of the day, the month, the semester – my life… And I have failed at it.

This semester sucked. I’m sorry if that is too blunt – but hey, I’m a blunt girl. If sucked is too strong try train wreck, oppressive, bleak, or any other word that suits you. But above all that put APATHY – because that is the word of the day. Apathy: indifference, passiveness – apathy – the word to top it all.

I have struggled this entire semester with it and the more the semester went by the bigger it got. The apathy didn’t come from me (it really didn’t) but in every situation I faced there it was - a big red light staring me in the face. It was in positions that people CHOSE to take that directly affected mine, it was in my friends, and those unwilling to get involved in something because it might be uncomfortable. It was even in what was thought to be the biggest election my campus had seen in years (I was involved in that one, I admit) … It was everywhere. And until two weeks ago I would have said that my expectations for people were too high – I demanded too much – but I don’t. I don’t think it’s too much for me to expect people who are 20+ to behave and interact as such. Or to assume that if you accept a position that fits your passion that you will follow through on the requirements for it instead of flaking off and expecting someone to hold your hand and accommodate your laziness – um sorry, I took the positions I did because I was passionate about them, I didn’t do it to hold you hand – sorry, not your mom… (soapbox over.)

I have been trying so hard to reconcile the things of this spring. Friendships I wonder if they have any roots; seeing the hearts of people I respected and trying to be okay with them not being all I anticipated, understanding that people are complacent and that’s not a personal attack against me. Right now I am looking into a big black spot in a lot of areas – trying to get over hurt and wondering if I ever can be as “close” to certain people as I was before. This is a day I wish I could go to being six again and have my only concern be the fact my socks got dirty playing in the river.

But God has a plan, and sometime down the road I will look back on this semester and really be thankful for all that happened. I will be thankful for the chance to go to Australia, and not getting VP (still working on that one) and the chance to work with an amazing woman for another year, and getting to live with one of my best friends again…And then all this stupid stuff, from people I won’t know come two years, won’t really matter. And, as sad as it all is – that’s what I’m focusing on right now.

Have a good night, and if you think of it, please pray for wisdom.

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© Amanda Lunday