19 May, 2004

I miss fellowship, friends, accountability. Everything I wanted was across the parking lot, or in the walls of my apartment and now they have all scattered. I love my family, but I miss the laughter of being around those who know me. I miss staying up until two studying and laughing with Jessica in the SGA office. I miss Meg, with her laugh... Or the guys across the walkway, who always made made me feel so welcome and appreciated. I miss the weirdest, most random people and I can't explain why I do. I just miss feeling alive - ya know?

Do you ever get the feeling that you were made for more, more than what you are living - the mediocre day by day stuff that consumes your life? I got a job today (yay for me) it's stuffing orders into boxes - and while I appreciate the $6.30 I am getting to help the American consumer buy even more stuff it doesn't need -- I have to wonder - what else could I be doing? In three months I go back to school and part of me is excited for all that is waiting there - but, I could be doing something meaningful - instead, all I am doing is getting more in debt.

I have a small chant playing in the back of my head. And it is slowly becoming combined with the Words I read that I am called to more - and what am I doing to live it? Part of me says that I have to do what I'm doing today to get where I want to be tomorrow - but if that's true - what's going to stop me from becoming a 40 year old member of corporate America wondering what happened to the plans I had to do so much more....

(We were meant to live for so much more. Have we lost ourselves? Somewhere we live inside... Dreaming about Providence and whether mice or men have second tries. Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open, maybe we're bent and broken... We were meant to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves? ~Switchfoot)

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© Amanda Lunday