24 March, 2004

My friend and I are out to prove why attraction exists. Why do you find some men more attractive than others? How can you care about someone who doesn’t care about you, and not care at all from the person who worships you? What drives attraction? – These are the deep philosophical questions that go on at my school. And I welcome any answers anyone has...

It’s hard to say how things are going. How do you recap a month? School is hard. I will be honest and admit that. I tired for something and failed and while I never let myself really feel it – it hurt. There is a lot of "whys" surrounding what happened – a lot of words I would like to have with God. The reasons I ran aren’t going to be fixed next year and the more I think and see the people who are going to in charge – the more my desire for an impactful year fades…

The year has been really trying – I don’t understand half of what’s happened and I really wish I didn’t have to go through it. But talking to my friend last night I came to the realization that I wouldn’t change a thing. I can be honest – I have struggled a lot these past three months. Most of it I probably couldn’t articulate – but something is different about this struggle. Outside I am okay, yet inside I am dying, and I would be a defeated as I had always been – be it not for my God. See, this is the first time I am making God number one in my struggle. I am looking to Him for answers, for comfort, instead of turning to the people I let so easily replace Him. C.S. Lewis said, “Give me a different set of eyes.” And God has.

In the beginning of the year I prayed that God would make me real and turn me into who I wanted to be – and He in the process of doing that. I am learning so much and while some days I want to do nothing but stand on the soccer field and scream, I know my Father is still in control. “I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me in garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.” (Isaiah 61:10)

What hardship in your life have you thanked God for today? (Written by Dustin).
© Amanda Lunday