09 January, 2004

We sit and we question.
We ask, make demands, and request answers…
“God tell me why” we scream never really expecting an answer.
We pray, already having the response in our mind.
And then when we get our answer we beg God for something different.
What interesting people we are…

I’m an indecisive person. I really am. I will float between two decisions, two ideas until I am forced to pick one, and take it from me that is a weird way to live. Since the start of this year I have been asking God whether or not I should pursue a position I feel I would be good at. Tonight I found out someone else is pursuing it. Now I want to step back out of fear. Could I really beat this person (only one of us can be picked)? I had always assumed that someone else would try for this, but not him. I was sure I could probably beat almost anyone else if I tried, but not him. Part of me is like, “He wants this, let him have it, you can do something else.” But another part is saying, “You want it too. You desire this because you think you could do a good job, where as he only wants it for a resume.”

I am back at school now – the break is over – people are coming back. For one reason or another most of the people I know are not here yet. Some live close enough to just come back on Sunday, others are driving home and I want them to be here now.

It’s an interesting thing, getting older, the more you realize and find out the less you want to know. I was reminiscing with my cousin the other day about our childhood. I grew up on a ranch, and sometimes I wish for the simplicity of running around with nothing to worry about except whatever game we were playing and getting back before it got dark. But when you’re young you want to know about the world and how it all works – and then when you’re old all you want to do is forget.

In front of me is a prayer list for children around the world. Most are for family members who are sick. Some of the children are recovering from an illness, or getting ready for surgery. But every once in a while there are ones like this, “Pray for Brandon, and his sisters as the grieve the death of their mother. They now live with their grandmother who is very poor. One of the girls is sick and does not eat well. Please pray for them.” It sort of puts things in perspective….
© Amanda Lunday